a low quality expression of my high quality gratitude.

I recieved the greatest Christmas present ever on friday.
that's not even an overstatement.
When i first opened the box (which was, might i just add, over 80inches wide..) i began to cry.
i now have everything i need for my very own dark room (minus actual room + lights) all materials, instructions, enlarger, paper, film, books, tripod, a hefty seven (yes, seven) new cameras... and the list goes on.

low quality pictures of my newest loves:


(okay, so the Holga isn't new, i've had it for over three years now, but it's still a great love of mine...)

from the picture beneath the holga goes as follows:

-various roles of film, materials & equipment

- flashes/lenses/caps/etc

-my praktica pinhole
-Lubitel 2 Vintage

-1916 box, worth a small fortune

-Pentax MZ-50

-Duaflex II vintage

-Pentax K 1000

- My amazing (favourite) polariod

i'm so happy, beginning my first role (roles?) of film tomorrow with Milissa, unsure of whether to just take my pinhole or not.

decisions, decisions.

I can't eat anything
Without shoving my hands down my throat
And I refuse to meet the world
without smearing on makeup

With my hair blinding my eyes
Blinding my eyesI can't remember
The last time I've seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?

I stretch myself across the world
Pushing my limits for your entertainment
And you had the nerve
To call out my weaknesses
And drag me through the dirt

I can't remember
The last time I've seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?

I'm staring in the mirror
Looking back at the person I hate.

your body is (not) a fucking battleground.

everything is over now, for a week i have had freedom.

life is good, vaguely boring but good.

So much has happened over the last three weeks that it's ridiculous.

my best friend hasn't talked to me for almost two weeks now, and i doubt he will any time soon. It's killing me- horrible cliche, but true.

I feel like i've gotten closer to a few other people though, which is awesome. Year 12 has brought out the best and the worst in me, i suppose it does to everyone. I've reconnected with friends that I thought I could never become close with again, i think those two or three know who they are (and most probably will read this/have it saved to their favourites).
However, i have fucked a lot up this year, not only with myself but with other people. I'm scared that i have made some mistakes that i cannot fix, and i've tried to make things better, but i suppose only time can tell.

Well, exams are all done with, and i really don't care anymore about my grades of my TER or what courses i do and don't get accepted in to. None of it matters anymore, I just want to relax, revive and make money.

I'm restless already, and it's only been a week. I'm so pumped for Meredith Music Festival and India/Penang/Kuala Lumpur, i just want to get out of Adelaide already.

I also need to find someone to come overseas with me next year, i want to see the rest of Europe, or maybe work in England for a few months. I don't want to waste an entire year of my life working in the same job, going out on weekends and partying, then suffering the hangover on the monday. I want more experiences before uni in 2011. Maybe that's just greed? i've already been overseas twice, soon to be three times. Anyway, maybe travelling is what i want to do with my life.

I have no motivation to even continue this stupid blog entry, i just felt the need to try and make an effort, even if it seems pointless. well, True Blood awaits.

Ps, i have the most amazing shirt.

fucking argh

I really can't wait for the next 8 days to be over,

for weeks i've done nothing but study and stress over the smallest things.

i am totally ready to fucking be finished with school.

I miss Anna fucking Phu, i can't remember the last time we hung. I suppose these are the things you should say to people's faces, but i suppose it's not that easy.

After Monday 16th November, everything will be different.

Bannon has been living with me for the past 2 weeks- he pisses me off so fucking much but i love him still. He's probably asleep right now, the lazy shit.

I should study, i want to blog/paint/read/listen to Imogen Heap, but i suppose i should start my history major.

Seriously, i just want real life to begin again, i'm tired of caring about my motherfucking TER.

June 07's to do list:

lets see what i achieved.......

TO DO LIST:

- Study for exams
- Finish all art backup, actual prac, art in general + all other schoolwork
- Get time off work for formal & etc.
- Decide on formal dress, buy shoes, accessories etc
- Buy Soviet Kitsch
- Learn to speak Russian,
- Save money for India, make plans for Europe
- Of course, the ongoing lose weight thang.
- Turn on air conditioner
- Buy that ridiculously expensive coat from Miss Glady's
- Find my Dexter DVD so i can finally return it
- Rent more Hamlet.
- Get Jess to teach me glass soldering
- Lead lighting with mother
- Write awesome poem along the lines of 'Ode to how nobody will ever understand the pain i feel & why i need a man to fit like a glove' (working title) (( working idea ))
- Buy Milo something for his 18th that ISN'T a giant box of ticktaks or a free profiterole
- THINK OF MORE THINGS TO DO


everything bolded is what i have achieved,
note: this was a horrible to do listttttttttttttttt.

hello world

i'd love to be able to say that it's year 12's fault that i havn't posted, but i suppose it isn't. After all, i still waste countless hours on fazbook (although admitedly, not recently, as i have neither functioning computer nor internet)


The point is, it will all be over soon.
November 16th is my last exam, monday night will be a fucking party. It's becoming so difficult to actually keep pretending that i give a fuck about my mindless school work anymore.
It's a little bit scary that i don't have anything to say, or maybe it's just the fact that i'm being rushed off this computer (morgazm haz gaemz tuh w!n).
Adios, maybe in a few weeks, i can be productive in both my blogging and life in general.

I want my mouth to always taste a blade

ripped

You say that you want respect
Well then you'd better get some for yourself
'Cause all, that I see right now
Is someone who's lost and insecure

Don't try to be cute with me,
'Cause I know you hate yourself
And you'd end your stupid life now
but you're too spineless

Just like the lady in the blue dress,
You've got cigarettes on your breath,
Hairspray and some cheap perfume.

self/life/selfish/living

Recently, I've been pondering life & living more than usual, especially why we act as we do, and indeed for who do we act the way that we do. I cannot seem to find one single reason to explain this phenomenon of 'the norm' besides simply the phenomenon of 'acceptance'. But can one phenomenon really be explained by another? Would that mean that each phenomenon is just an extension of another, and another before that, until the core phenomena of life are reached? This then raises the question, what is this phenomenon of life? and why are we so readily able to accept each post prodigy if the roots of meaning are unknown? Why should one 'conform' to such ideas, if they cannot be understood?
I must admit, it is hard to unlearn such habits, but the problem is the habit itself. Living, being accepted, being yourself shouldn't be a 'habit'. It shouldn't be anything. It should just BE.
So be. Sciences- Physics, Biology, Psychology- All try to explain the human and it's surroundings, but what about the 'self'?
The self IS the marvel of life. The self IS the reason for life. The meaning, of course is and shall remain unknown. But the self is everything.
If you have the self, you need nothing. If you have nothing, you always have the self.
The difference between feeling like one has nothing and really having nothing is 'the norm'. This system tells you what you should need, not what you really do need. If one removes 'the norm', one needs nothing. One only wants what IT wants, not what the system wants for 'acceptance'.
One can be fat, can be skinny, can be happy, can be sad, can be cultured, can be the self, without 'the norm'.
I believe that we should simply ignore the norm, until it quietly evaporates. Dissipates into thin air. Sinks into the very shadows that wither as the sun rises. From now, i will not let the system live for me. I live for the self. The self is everything, nothing else need exist.

it's important to me,

I'm becoming increasingly anxious. Of course, school, family, friends etc. are major causes of this, but I'm finding that certain issues are becoming considerately pressing. In a way, I am becoming obsessive.
Basically, I need time to start a website, to sell jewellery, vintage goods and antiques like I've been planning for over a year now.
I need time to write. and write. and write.
I feel like I am going crazy.




Razors pain you, rivers are damp.
Acids stain you, and drugs cause cramps.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give.
Gas smells awful, you might as well live.

hi, i'm Lydia.

- I constantly feel inferior
- I have various scars- including two on my neck and three on my head
- I bought my holga years before it was 'cool'
- I really enjoy it wen people say that they have a band that saved their life and I believe it can happen- I had two.
- I'm fairly cynical, but it seems like all the people who surround me also are.
- It really annoys me when all the power goes out, and my alarm clock resets
- My favourite colour has always been green, and my favourite number has always been 5.
- My favourite part of the day is coffee-time
- I've given up understanding (or caring for) relationships- platonic or sexual
- I spend too much time complaining, or bitching, or on facebook
- I like to stick to my routines, people who disrupt them anger me.
-I'm seriously considering re-signing up to myspace, just so i can have Annuh Phu as my number one again.
- I've done much i regret in my life, which is depressing considering my age. I often convince myself that i will change or that i will improve but it seems I continually set myself up for failure.
- I can never be bothered with homework.
- I idolize Amanda Fucking Palmer, because of who she is, and what she stands for.
- I hate going to sleep late at night in my house, it's too scary down my side.
- I'm glad that I never moved in with my dad.
-There's someone i can't wait to see again, hopefully i won't have to wait until it's too late.
- I never seem to have money- I have to stop buying so much fucking food and coffee.
- I miss no-doz
- I miss getting straight A's
- I hate being lazy
- I love Merlin and Dexter
- I write too many lists
- I collect postcards, and i also have a large china doll collection
- Elephant has to be one of my favourite movies.
-My second and fourth real crushes have never ended.
- I really like beer
- WOMAD, BDO & Soundwave are always the best parts of the year.
- I hate tumblr- how do you delete that shit?
- I fail to practice self control, ever.
- SEE, I MAKE TOO MANY LISTS!


ps, spending time bitching with Annuh makes me happy beyond comprehension, even if it doesn't seem it.

circus mirrors and pot smoke-

- it happened again.

The most important people in my life + AFP

Because everyone needs one of these:

TO DO LIST:

- Study for exams
- Finish all art backup, actual prac, art in general + all other schoolwork
- Get time off work for formal & etc.
- Decide on formal dress, buy shoes, accessories etc
- Buy Soviet Kitsch
- Learn to speak Russian,
- Save money for India, make plans for Europe
- Of course, the ongoing lose weight thang.
- Turn on air conditioner
- Buy that ridiculously expensive coat from Miss Glady's
- Find my Dexter DVD so i can finally return it
- Rent more Hamlet.
- Get Jess to teach me glass soldering
- Lead lighting with mother
- Write awesome poem along the lines of 'Ode to how nobody will ever understand the pain i feel & why i need a man to fit like a glove' (working title) (( working idea ))
- Buy Milo something for his 18th that ISN'T a giant box of ticktaks or a free profiterole
- THINK OF MORE THINGS TO DO

oh, ps
this is one of my formal dresses
well, it's really just a boob shot, but that's what happens when you actually have to lean over the laptop to click Take.
it's an early 80's deep red cocktail dress with white beading around the top and waist, minor alterations still need to be made.

oh, blogger

how deprived i am of blogging, now i also have tumblr.
i hate this feeling, this boring, morbid sinking feeling i have had for weeks now.
school is literally sucking the life out of me!
i want it all to be over, i'm so excited for my future to start
to go back to Europe, to learn Russian, to finally build my studio, and make jewellery, and spend hours and hours reading, to finally start my online store, and spend hours sitting in the botanics painting.
Half a year, and i am done.


Currently, i'm working on a small canvas print for backup for my art project,
right now it's a blue peacock, flowers and leaves will be added when the paint dries.
I've also eaten alot of oranges this week, we have so many from our tree, i've had three today :D
Tomorrow night is a dinner party at Bannons, and monday night i'm going out to tea with Italian Trippers.
The next two weeks i am studying, arting, and generally spending time at school finishing work.
Now, i must return to search for more paint, it looks like i have lost half of my colours! D:

yeah sure,

I will never love you more than the drummer of flaming lips
I will never love you more than Woody Allen movies
I will never love you more than the White album of the Beatles
I will never love you more than God only knows

I will never love you more than DVD's night with my girlfriend
And we talk about stupid things like feelings and men
I will never love you more than my boyfriend when I was 14
Even if he's now an asshole, I will never love you more

And you say, you love me more than everything
And compared to me everything is nothing...

I will never love you more than meeting Paul McCartney
And we asked him to play a song on my Ukulele
I will never love you more than my Scandinavian Tour
Which was more than paradise, I wish you remember it too

I will never love you more than dancing to Phil Spektor
I will never love you more than my Casiotone keyboard.
I will never love you more than Daniel Johnston himself
For me he's more than God, I will never love you more

And you say, you love me more than everything
And compared to me everything is nothing

Ohh this is sweet, I just wonder what it means

You say you love me more, than all the girls you have had before
Even more than music, even more than yourself
Even more than everything, but it's just a lie
So I will never love you more, than anything

I will never love you more than singing in the shower
I will never love you more than my Mac computer
I will never love you more than having a daughter
I will never love you more than peanut butter

I will never love you more than kisses all day
I will never love you more than cuddles all night
I will never love you more than kissing girls lips when they're really pretty

I will never love you more

i'd rather sink - -

Should i be worried, that people are freaking out because of how nice i've been lately? Like, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
I can't help it, the world is so awesome and Australian winter is so warm and the English language is sweet.

Also, Milo and I DO NOT have the same haircut, mine is merely outgrown. If another person tells me this, I will go crazy.
It's for this very reason that I'm getting a haircut tomorrow :D
Not like I can really afford it, or actually know how i want it cut, but oh well.

I really have nothing significant to write here, it doesn't seem like i really do ever. I had the best subway today, I think that Subway is one of the things I missed most about Australia. Chicken Teriyaki (how do you spell teriyaki) wrap. Win.
I'm supposed to be doing homework, i wrote out a little timetable and all, but of course I'm not. Life is stressful, assessment ends in like 3 weeks, and I have nothing to my name. I supposed i should at least attempt an English essay before i wash my hairsies.
Oh, and i love year 11's, they're awesome.


HAPPY ENOUGH FOR YAHHHHHH :D

it seems like a good time.

I'm loving being back, seriously.
I feel like a different person- happier, and better at coping with situations. It seems like i'm also starting to get on with people alot better aswell.
It kind of sucks that i don't have a formal date, but oh well- there are worst things.
Being in Italy, especially in Assisi, was a life-changing experience- i'm more tolerable, friendlier and independent, some things that i admit i havn't been for a while (if ever)
I love everyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

so well yeah

it had been a very eventful week.

by eventful, i mean fucking scary.

On sunday, thanks to the mistake of the Biella train station, i boarded the wrong train to Assissi. I mean, if it wasn't bad enough that i already had to catch 4 trains, by myself, in a foreign country, with a broken fucking phone, something else had to go wrong.

So there i was, in Arezzo, where i assumed my train would continue onto Assissi, when it turned back around. I ended up in Montevarchi, crying, scared and alone. Thank god, i found a nice italian boy to help me. Seriously, i owe him big time. Him and his friend helped me to call my italian non-english speaking host family, explain to them why i'was on the wrong side of Italy, and get me onto another train (for free) that would take me to Umbria.

If that wasn't traumatic enough, when i finally arrived, i found out that i wasn't allowed to speak english at home or at school (my classes were also conveniently in Italian) and i couldn't use my dictionary. Well, it has been horrible. I'm in a hard class with only 3 other students- one Irish, on Chinese and one Portugese. They're all over 35. I'm alone in the fucking school. There's only one other girl my age, and it's funny because she's also from Adelaide, but i havn't really seen her.

Well, i miss Ms D'Aloia's lessons alot, for homework each night i have to write the same amount as she would expect in a month, and that's not even a joke. School only goes for four hours a day, but each day i come out feeling like my head is about to explode, only to have to go back home and try to make polite conversation in Italian. I mean, the family is awesome- they're all so nice to me. I'm just lonely, and homesick.

Well, it will all be worth it when i finish next week- the days are just drawing on so long.

This weekend, i might catch a train to Florence or Turin or Milan, maybe catch up with some Biellenese friends. Sounds lovely,

Now, i must right a composition about the cultural differences between Italy and Australia.

urghhhhhhhhhh, i miss Adelaide.

Ps- i went to Assissi, one of the most religious cities in the world, and i brought you back a snowglobe.

so this is my last night in Biella.

Im dreading waking up tomorrow, leaving Tollegno at 10:45, arriving at Santhia by 11:30 and catching a train at 11:45. transfering from Milano to Firenze, then to Perugia, then finally Assissi, taking a grand total of 6 hours.
In Italy
With all my baggage
Alone.
To a family who speaks only Italian, for two whole weeks. Attending a special languages school, writing reports on my experiences, The Renaissance and The French Revolution. Learning Italian Grammar, table manners and hopefully raising my count (from a potential 7).

I dont know how to even begin to express what this three weeks with these 16 people did for me- ive made friends with people i know i would never have even talked to, experienced freakish hail storms, had the dream romance, developed a strong love for Italian leather, lost my phone, bought a phone, wasted money, bought countless scarfes and tights, gossiped all night long, been inspired to start cooking and gardening, danced and danced, cried for hours, laughed for hours, met random english and americans in the oddest of situations...

I have an Italian family, they welcomed me with open arms two years ago, and although the language barrier is strong, i feel so close to them. next year, i am returning. The year after, my mama, brother and i might even rent a house here for the holidays.
Italy is my favourite place in the world. One day, i will live here.

Anyway, all this sentimentality is making me cry.
I really do miss home; real salad, the Adelaide Metro, The Balls, my family and friends.

just throwing it out there

when i wrote about the americans, i wasnt implying that i slept with one of them.
by using the term "spending the night together", i literally meant that.
so yesh, no funny business guys.
end





ps, last night was pretty funny.
there are so many drunk 20 year olds at Cancello. Next time, we DONT sit with them OKAY!

i miss

sliced bread.
and my old septum ring.
but besides that, italy is perfect.
i have an italian nonna. she makes me coffee and gives me chocolate.

today we shopped lots (again), as i did 2 days ago in Milan. Italian leather makes me melt.
last night, went to the bar, twas good
tonight, Cancello club again.
i miss everyone.
getting really homesick.
i think i have 20 nights left, i never want to leave!

fra and i drive around, listening to Queen on full blast, talking about boys and who kissed who and whose gay and how lazy i am.
i actually love life.

La Vita è Bella

Life is beautiful ( note: kind of a take off of kats name mwaha)

last night i arrived in Biella, after a very long day of catching trains and shopping. that was an experience, seriously.
anyway, a bried run down of the last week :

i arrived in Rome at 6am last friday morning, and met everyone t the hotel. we proceeded to spend the day buying souvenirs, visiting various famous monuments, bonding and perving on italian boys. that night, best gnocchi i have ever had /drools.

the next day we went to the Vatican City, it was as amazing as when i saw it 2 years ago. so much walking though which i guess was good for me. that night was the highlight of my trip so far. conveniently, staying at our hotel was a schoolgroup of american, a few of who we made friends with. the hotel in rome had an amazing rooftop garden and the lot of us (about 5 americans plus 10 australians) sat together onthe rooftop for a few hours and made friends. i met aboy called alex. he couuld be defined a perfect. i can honestly say that ive never met anyone so kind, sweet and attractive in my life. he was amazing, but lives in Pensylvania. well, we spent all night together and i ended up back in my hotel room at about 4 am after a perfect night. awaking at 5 30 wasnt fun though (ugh)
although he st with me for breakfast in the morning, i never had the chance to say goodbye as we left the hotel for Firenze earlier than we had planned. this is one of those things that i know i will regret for a long time to come. i will never see him again.

firenze was amazing. visiting this uffizi and academia again was more enjoyable, as i was actually able to appreciate all the art this time. i collected lots of brochues and bought large quantitis of novely pens and notebooks from the gift shops. our hotel in firenze was nice, but it was nothing compared to rome. the shopping was soooooooooooo good, i cant even explain. i bought 6 scarfes. and 3 pairs of awesome tights (they look like henna on my legs). plus so many presents, a 90£ bag which is about $180, i (L) firenze tshrt, 2 belts, various pieces ofjewelery, a weed tin (LOL) and many other items.

okay, last night i got to Biella and sawall the italians again. it was really awesome to see everyone, even Mattia was happy to see me. i crashed last night, so tired from the last week of travel.
today we went to school. I saw Francesco. it was so worth waiting a year. i will see him lots over the next week i hope. i aw luca and all the other italians aswell and it was so great to see that they had all stayed friends. the lessons were fun, we just spoke in english.
we danced, embarassing. walkd all around town.
and now i am at home, Katerina is sitting at the computer next to me talking to friends.
Amira and Fra are behind me watching italian tv. tonight, were going to some disco thing. la vita è bella.
i miss everyone, lots. especially my mum.
now im sure i have better things to do than sit on blogger.
ciaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Original: Times Like This

written Jan 31st 2009.

When you don’t feel indestructible. When you walk home the long way, just to avoid the bitter loneliness that awaits you. When you lose all interest in your study. When the stress starts to build up. When you cry, for nothing. When you can’t cry for anything. When you feel too much pain. When you can’t feel very much at all. When you take your anger out on others, to avoid taking it out on yourself. When you take it out on yourself anyway. When you feel warm inside after finding a frangipani tree on your way home. When you see that your flower is dying by the time you get home. When you find out your mother has thrown it away. When you get upset over small things. When you know that even after you finish school, and even after you move away, you still won’t be able to look him in the eyes. When you hate him for changing. When you hate yourself for changing.
When you self -diagnose. When you self-medicate. When you take it anyway. When you tell yourself you won’t eat or sleep until you’re happy with who you are. When you smile from the crunching sound of the dead leaves on the sidewalk. When you can’t make friends. When you have to justify yourself as a person, because you’re so insecure. When you wish you could jump in front of that car speeding down fourth avenue. When you think your troubles will all be gone if you lay down in the road. When you have an amazing life, yet still can’t be happy. When you write and write and write without thinking. When you’re scared of how honest everything you’re writing is. When you think you’re a fake. When you don’t know what to fake anymore.
When you realize that you’ll never check everything off your list. When you find those rare moments where the good overrules the bad. When you walk in time to the music in your ears. When you don’t have a reason to stay friends with someone. When you hate the weather. When you have secrets. When you’re told secrets. When you think you’re a lost cause.
When you run.
And you finally feel alive.
And all your angst is taken out on nothing but the pavement beneath your feet.

Times like this, part 3:finalmente.

when you realise that family is all that matters, and as long as there is even one person who loves you, survival may just be possible in this fucked up world.








also, bag you later.

note:

in my last few blogs, i have been bitching about 'friends'.
well, this doesn't include a small assortment of people. and if you consider yourself a real friend of mine, you would realize that none of this is about you.

is everybody going crazy?

i've had simple plan stuck in my head all day, it's really annoying but i guess that's what happens when you are constantly listening to Nova 91.9 at work D:
i've been sleeping since i've been home from work, starting at 7 am and at 6am yesterday has taken its toll on me, i'm tired as anything.
doing homework tonight is going to be a struggle, as i'm fighting to keep my eyes open still, which then puts me under even more pressure to finish off this terms work by wednesday.
i still can't seem to comprehend that i'm leaving in 4 days, by myself. i feel so undeserving, and i'm not sure if i'm ready for this responsibility yet.
i'm majorly disappointed with myself- the last few weeks have been crazy and i've been left in an ugly state with a bitter taste on my tongue, i was hoping i'd be able to pull myself together before i left, which by this stage seems impossible.
i'm really nervous and on edge about these 5 weeks, i can't afford to waste all this time and money, but at the same time i'm so excited to be getting away from everything.
Maybe it will be different when i return.

the next 3 days i'm gonna go all out with my homework- 2 essays, 2 in-class essays, an art project, a psych test and two formative tasks all by wednesday afternoon, i fail at using my time effectively. /sigh

i'm thinking

i can't wait to get out of this fucking school!
the mindless work, the backstabbing stuck up wankers and the constant annoying lack of coffee!
seriously, there are less than a handful of people at school that i can stand. if fucking that.
a word of advice, if you're a so called 'friend' of mine, cut your losses now and fuck off.

reminiscing isn't advisable

i had everything i wanted.
it's my fault i lost it all.
now i'm empty.






that's the way the cookie crumbles i guess.

sweet heroine

photos from the other night's shoot of bannon, from my crap digital camera as there were many problems with our 3 other roles of film. one- my disposable was a ipece of shit, so all my photos from my birthday are ruined
2- bannons role was b&w, and had to be sent off
and 3- there was another problem with my film, so none of it developed and i wasted lots & lots of money.


this evening we're supposed to be going to see Virus, a fringe performance with Pajero's dad in it, but it seems that noone really wants to go
and this raises the question- can i even be bothered?
or should i just stay home, watch Monsoon Wedding and continue my Van Gogh essay?
life choices, life choices.

12 days
twelve days
dodici giorni

if it looks like i'm laughing, i'm really just asking to leave.

you're so post-modern

my netbook is amazing. finally figured out the software.
it needed love.

this week, i have acheived very little
besides the ability to take out my septum
(see above)

it makes me happy.
last night i took lots of photos of bannon fire breathing.
my pink camera is amazing, but we decided to use Bannons mothers film.
today, we are getting them developed, and i am buying lots of plain t-shirts
BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO PRINT THEM/GO INTO ONLINE BUSINESS WITH VARIOUS OTHERS.
like the new english kid at school, Daniel.



so yes, i leave in 13 days.
ms monty has given me lots of watercolours.
i am happy.
the only thing that could make this sunny day better, is a huge coffee.

i try to wash him out but like she said:the blood is thicker

it might destroy me but i'd sacrifice my body if it meant i'd get the jack part out.


only about a week ago did i realise how close i was to leaving Adelaide, if my calculations are correct it is 16 days now.
i hate to say it
but i am shit scared.
scared of travelling by myself.
scared of not fitting in again in bella.
scared of fucking up my scholarship course.

most of all, i'm scared of seeing him again. and being rejected.
alot happens in a year, and i doubt he could feel the same about me still, considering his 'girlfriend' will be in italy also.
oh well, another fucked up 'relationship'
i use the term lightly, as i don't really consider any of the last few boys i have seen proper relationships
that part of me ran away just under a year ago.

anyway fellow bloggers, a lot has happened since my last post after AMANDA FUCKING PALMER (still getting over the excitement) about two weeks ago.
-i have been doing schoolwork like crazy, and not really achieving anything i think i deserve.
-felt like punching my history teacher. hard.
-ealised i have drifted even further from a few people
-discovered the greatest cafe ever- Das Cafe, $2 coffee before 10 am, orange couches and ultra-modern tables, plus the greatest barista ever who already calls me a 'regular'
- i'm now more pro-euthanasia than ever, after actually using my interests to write a kickass english essay. i have joined various pro-euthanasia facebook groups (lol) and a joining the voluntary euthanasia society of South Australia
- i have a crush, yes. a real one. very rare, and very scary.
- stopped drinking V, almost. limiting for now.
- lost weight (hurray). after gaining lots due to large amounts of food at womad.
- i've also started cooking. and well. tonight i spent two hours making butterchicken from scratch. it was awesome.


i can take a vowel. and i can wear a ring. and i can make you promises, but they won't mean a thing.


started writing lots.
it will be awesome, i need more inspiration though.
from wheere i'm sitting
it will be the same series of events
but through the eyes of five different people
or maybe a biography type thing. whatever i decide, it will be kickarse, darkand depressing, but very addictive.
any thoughts, feel free to give feedback on my ideas. it kind of sucks with all of this just floating around in my head/ my laptop.

Amanda Fucking Palmer

It has been two days, and it's still so hard to actually believe that i met her, that i saw her & the danger ensemble perform.
to sum it all up - Zoe Keating played an awesome half hour cello solo, although she really created her own orchestra and it was so good. Lyndon Chester is a funny little man, but very attractive and talented none the less.
The Danger Ensemble are all extremely talented, Steven was my favourite- he even commented on my hair and was so nice when we met after the show.
I cried when i saw Amanda.
there are no words to describe how utterly amazing she was. her humour, her voice and her experimental techniques that she decided to try out made the night so fucking enjoyable.
and the fact that, even though it was 2:30am, she still found the energy to be excited about meeting fans and even referring me to a website to submit my wkap stuff.
all in all, if i died right now, i would be pretty much satisfied.

ramble ramble

maybe i am insane, but i am the first to admit it. surrounding myself with the people i have is starting to teach me alot about myself. i realise i may be many things- selfish, greedy, cynical, illogical.. that doesn't mean that i should be treated like a fucking leper, especially by my own family.
yes, i am a teenage angsty girl
yes, i may have problems with certain issues
and yes, i have had challenging times,
but seriously, who hasn't. i don't believe i am special. i'm sure i am far from it.
so don't call me pretty baby anymore.


on a higher note, i have many ideas for my newest project, they are slowly coming together.
i have to have a blood test tomorrow, i hope to all fuck that i'm not really sick again. althoughm glandular fever does have the beautiful benefit of weight loss.
tomorrow night will be heaven. amanda fucking palmer is basically the center of everything. i'm really scared that everything will turn out shit.
anyway, i am sick. kinda over this ramble and my mother is screaming at me again.

like art could save a wretch like me

with some ideal ideology-

laying in bed all day, unable to eat or sleep and barely move, leaves lots of time for thinking.
i don't understand basically everyone, and why people act the way they do. i don't see the fun in fucking around with someones emotions, or talking shit behind everyones back and then pretending to be fucking victimized.
life would be simpler if we could all read each others minds, so there would be no secrets between 'friends'.


in reference to my last blog- the weekend did have alot of problems, but at the same time was so great.
Elle and i discovered a new love called Attack in Black, i cried while Straylight Run were playing, i lost all my friends on friday, jumped the fence of the Garden, coughed up blood and danced like a madman.
all in all, the weekend was desirable.
except now i suffer, home sick without the motivation to clean my room, or do any homework.

we seem to have so much in common.

this blogging thing is already so addictive, but frustrating. there are so many little things that i wish i could write but i'm too scared of the outcome, which is why i think people write books; so that they can create fictitious characters to bear the brute of such deliberations and evil.
i wish that it was easier to walk up to someone and say 'hi, you've made me feel like shit for the last year but i miss you so much' or 'you're an amazing friend, i'm so scared that you'll soon realise how much you don't need me'.
these are the types of things that need to be said, and it annoys me so much how i lack the confidence to actually say them. i must seem like the most horrible person, and i'm sure it's true, but i don't think such evil things about others all the time.

today is probably the first day in a long time that has gone smoothly, i don't feel upset about anything really. it's the type of thing that really brightens my outlook- i don't have any proper lessons tomorrow, and although i ate way too much crap today i'm not feeling all that angry about it and i think i might have strengthened a friendship or two..

this weekend should be fair good, if all runs smoothly (which i'm sure it won't). i can already forsee drama or upset on saturday, and i'd rather avoid that please. friday night is fringe, which i'm really looking forward too, it's quite nice to enjoy being seventeen without the guilt of family or schoolwork constantly pulling you down.
i think i may go paint some clowns, or drink some cordial because i'm feeling that this blog may be becoming unnecessarily long and overdramatic, farewell 'followers'.