The Original: Times Like This

written Jan 31st 2009.

When you don’t feel indestructible. When you walk home the long way, just to avoid the bitter loneliness that awaits you. When you lose all interest in your study. When the stress starts to build up. When you cry, for nothing. When you can’t cry for anything. When you feel too much pain. When you can’t feel very much at all. When you take your anger out on others, to avoid taking it out on yourself. When you take it out on yourself anyway. When you feel warm inside after finding a frangipani tree on your way home. When you see that your flower is dying by the time you get home. When you find out your mother has thrown it away. When you get upset over small things. When you know that even after you finish school, and even after you move away, you still won’t be able to look him in the eyes. When you hate him for changing. When you hate yourself for changing.
When you self -diagnose. When you self-medicate. When you take it anyway. When you tell yourself you won’t eat or sleep until you’re happy with who you are. When you smile from the crunching sound of the dead leaves on the sidewalk. When you can’t make friends. When you have to justify yourself as a person, because you’re so insecure. When you wish you could jump in front of that car speeding down fourth avenue. When you think your troubles will all be gone if you lay down in the road. When you have an amazing life, yet still can’t be happy. When you write and write and write without thinking. When you’re scared of how honest everything you’re writing is. When you think you’re a fake. When you don’t know what to fake anymore.
When you realize that you’ll never check everything off your list. When you find those rare moments where the good overrules the bad. When you walk in time to the music in your ears. When you don’t have a reason to stay friends with someone. When you hate the weather. When you have secrets. When you’re told secrets. When you think you’re a lost cause.
When you run.
And you finally feel alive.
And all your angst is taken out on nothing but the pavement beneath your feet.