The Original: Times Like This

written Jan 31st 2009.

When you don’t feel indestructible. When you walk home the long way, just to avoid the bitter loneliness that awaits you. When you lose all interest in your study. When the stress starts to build up. When you cry, for nothing. When you can’t cry for anything. When you feel too much pain. When you can’t feel very much at all. When you take your anger out on others, to avoid taking it out on yourself. When you take it out on yourself anyway. When you feel warm inside after finding a frangipani tree on your way home. When you see that your flower is dying by the time you get home. When you find out your mother has thrown it away. When you get upset over small things. When you know that even after you finish school, and even after you move away, you still won’t be able to look him in the eyes. When you hate him for changing. When you hate yourself for changing.
When you self -diagnose. When you self-medicate. When you take it anyway. When you tell yourself you won’t eat or sleep until you’re happy with who you are. When you smile from the crunching sound of the dead leaves on the sidewalk. When you can’t make friends. When you have to justify yourself as a person, because you’re so insecure. When you wish you could jump in front of that car speeding down fourth avenue. When you think your troubles will all be gone if you lay down in the road. When you have an amazing life, yet still can’t be happy. When you write and write and write without thinking. When you’re scared of how honest everything you’re writing is. When you think you’re a fake. When you don’t know what to fake anymore.
When you realize that you’ll never check everything off your list. When you find those rare moments where the good overrules the bad. When you walk in time to the music in your ears. When you don’t have a reason to stay friends with someone. When you hate the weather. When you have secrets. When you’re told secrets. When you think you’re a lost cause.
When you run.
And you finally feel alive.
And all your angst is taken out on nothing but the pavement beneath your feet.

Times like this, part 3:finalmente.

when you realise that family is all that matters, and as long as there is even one person who loves you, survival may just be possible in this fucked up world.








also, bag you later.

note:

in my last few blogs, i have been bitching about 'friends'.
well, this doesn't include a small assortment of people. and if you consider yourself a real friend of mine, you would realize that none of this is about you.

is everybody going crazy?

i've had simple plan stuck in my head all day, it's really annoying but i guess that's what happens when you are constantly listening to Nova 91.9 at work D:
i've been sleeping since i've been home from work, starting at 7 am and at 6am yesterday has taken its toll on me, i'm tired as anything.
doing homework tonight is going to be a struggle, as i'm fighting to keep my eyes open still, which then puts me under even more pressure to finish off this terms work by wednesday.
i still can't seem to comprehend that i'm leaving in 4 days, by myself. i feel so undeserving, and i'm not sure if i'm ready for this responsibility yet.
i'm majorly disappointed with myself- the last few weeks have been crazy and i've been left in an ugly state with a bitter taste on my tongue, i was hoping i'd be able to pull myself together before i left, which by this stage seems impossible.
i'm really nervous and on edge about these 5 weeks, i can't afford to waste all this time and money, but at the same time i'm so excited to be getting away from everything.
Maybe it will be different when i return.

the next 3 days i'm gonna go all out with my homework- 2 essays, 2 in-class essays, an art project, a psych test and two formative tasks all by wednesday afternoon, i fail at using my time effectively. /sigh

i'm thinking

i can't wait to get out of this fucking school!
the mindless work, the backstabbing stuck up wankers and the constant annoying lack of coffee!
seriously, there are less than a handful of people at school that i can stand. if fucking that.
a word of advice, if you're a so called 'friend' of mine, cut your losses now and fuck off.

reminiscing isn't advisable

i had everything i wanted.
it's my fault i lost it all.
now i'm empty.






that's the way the cookie crumbles i guess.

sweet heroine

photos from the other night's shoot of bannon, from my crap digital camera as there were many problems with our 3 other roles of film. one- my disposable was a ipece of shit, so all my photos from my birthday are ruined
2- bannons role was b&w, and had to be sent off
and 3- there was another problem with my film, so none of it developed and i wasted lots & lots of money.


this evening we're supposed to be going to see Virus, a fringe performance with Pajero's dad in it, but it seems that noone really wants to go
and this raises the question- can i even be bothered?
or should i just stay home, watch Monsoon Wedding and continue my Van Gogh essay?
life choices, life choices.

12 days
twelve days
dodici giorni

if it looks like i'm laughing, i'm really just asking to leave.

you're so post-modern

my netbook is amazing. finally figured out the software.
it needed love.

this week, i have acheived very little
besides the ability to take out my septum
(see above)

it makes me happy.
last night i took lots of photos of bannon fire breathing.
my pink camera is amazing, but we decided to use Bannons mothers film.
today, we are getting them developed, and i am buying lots of plain t-shirts
BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO PRINT THEM/GO INTO ONLINE BUSINESS WITH VARIOUS OTHERS.
like the new english kid at school, Daniel.



so yes, i leave in 13 days.
ms monty has given me lots of watercolours.
i am happy.
the only thing that could make this sunny day better, is a huge coffee.

i try to wash him out but like she said:the blood is thicker

it might destroy me but i'd sacrifice my body if it meant i'd get the jack part out.


only about a week ago did i realise how close i was to leaving Adelaide, if my calculations are correct it is 16 days now.
i hate to say it
but i am shit scared.
scared of travelling by myself.
scared of not fitting in again in bella.
scared of fucking up my scholarship course.

most of all, i'm scared of seeing him again. and being rejected.
alot happens in a year, and i doubt he could feel the same about me still, considering his 'girlfriend' will be in italy also.
oh well, another fucked up 'relationship'
i use the term lightly, as i don't really consider any of the last few boys i have seen proper relationships
that part of me ran away just under a year ago.

anyway fellow bloggers, a lot has happened since my last post after AMANDA FUCKING PALMER (still getting over the excitement) about two weeks ago.
-i have been doing schoolwork like crazy, and not really achieving anything i think i deserve.
-felt like punching my history teacher. hard.
-ealised i have drifted even further from a few people
-discovered the greatest cafe ever- Das Cafe, $2 coffee before 10 am, orange couches and ultra-modern tables, plus the greatest barista ever who already calls me a 'regular'
- i'm now more pro-euthanasia than ever, after actually using my interests to write a kickass english essay. i have joined various pro-euthanasia facebook groups (lol) and a joining the voluntary euthanasia society of South Australia
- i have a crush, yes. a real one. very rare, and very scary.
- stopped drinking V, almost. limiting for now.
- lost weight (hurray). after gaining lots due to large amounts of food at womad.
- i've also started cooking. and well. tonight i spent two hours making butterchicken from scratch. it was awesome.


i can take a vowel. and i can wear a ring. and i can make you promises, but they won't mean a thing.


started writing lots.
it will be awesome, i need more inspiration though.
from wheere i'm sitting
it will be the same series of events
but through the eyes of five different people
or maybe a biography type thing. whatever i decide, it will be kickarse, darkand depressing, but very addictive.
any thoughts, feel free to give feedback on my ideas. it kind of sucks with all of this just floating around in my head/ my laptop.

Amanda Fucking Palmer

It has been two days, and it's still so hard to actually believe that i met her, that i saw her & the danger ensemble perform.
to sum it all up - Zoe Keating played an awesome half hour cello solo, although she really created her own orchestra and it was so good. Lyndon Chester is a funny little man, but very attractive and talented none the less.
The Danger Ensemble are all extremely talented, Steven was my favourite- he even commented on my hair and was so nice when we met after the show.
I cried when i saw Amanda.
there are no words to describe how utterly amazing she was. her humour, her voice and her experimental techniques that she decided to try out made the night so fucking enjoyable.
and the fact that, even though it was 2:30am, she still found the energy to be excited about meeting fans and even referring me to a website to submit my wkap stuff.
all in all, if i died right now, i would be pretty much satisfied.

ramble ramble

maybe i am insane, but i am the first to admit it. surrounding myself with the people i have is starting to teach me alot about myself. i realise i may be many things- selfish, greedy, cynical, illogical.. that doesn't mean that i should be treated like a fucking leper, especially by my own family.
yes, i am a teenage angsty girl
yes, i may have problems with certain issues
and yes, i have had challenging times,
but seriously, who hasn't. i don't believe i am special. i'm sure i am far from it.
so don't call me pretty baby anymore.


on a higher note, i have many ideas for my newest project, they are slowly coming together.
i have to have a blood test tomorrow, i hope to all fuck that i'm not really sick again. althoughm glandular fever does have the beautiful benefit of weight loss.
tomorrow night will be heaven. amanda fucking palmer is basically the center of everything. i'm really scared that everything will turn out shit.
anyway, i am sick. kinda over this ramble and my mother is screaming at me again.

like art could save a wretch like me

with some ideal ideology-

laying in bed all day, unable to eat or sleep and barely move, leaves lots of time for thinking.
i don't understand basically everyone, and why people act the way they do. i don't see the fun in fucking around with someones emotions, or talking shit behind everyones back and then pretending to be fucking victimized.
life would be simpler if we could all read each others minds, so there would be no secrets between 'friends'.


in reference to my last blog- the weekend did have alot of problems, but at the same time was so great.
Elle and i discovered a new love called Attack in Black, i cried while Straylight Run were playing, i lost all my friends on friday, jumped the fence of the Garden, coughed up blood and danced like a madman.
all in all, the weekend was desirable.
except now i suffer, home sick without the motivation to clean my room, or do any homework.