we seem to have so much in common.

this blogging thing is already so addictive, but frustrating. there are so many little things that i wish i could write but i'm too scared of the outcome, which is why i think people write books; so that they can create fictitious characters to bear the brute of such deliberations and evil.
i wish that it was easier to walk up to someone and say 'hi, you've made me feel like shit for the last year but i miss you so much' or 'you're an amazing friend, i'm so scared that you'll soon realise how much you don't need me'.
these are the types of things that need to be said, and it annoys me so much how i lack the confidence to actually say them. i must seem like the most horrible person, and i'm sure it's true, but i don't think such evil things about others all the time.

today is probably the first day in a long time that has gone smoothly, i don't feel upset about anything really. it's the type of thing that really brightens my outlook- i don't have any proper lessons tomorrow, and although i ate way too much crap today i'm not feeling all that angry about it and i think i might have strengthened a friendship or two..

this weekend should be fair good, if all runs smoothly (which i'm sure it won't). i can already forsee drama or upset on saturday, and i'd rather avoid that please. friday night is fringe, which i'm really looking forward too, it's quite nice to enjoy being seventeen without the guilt of family or schoolwork constantly pulling you down.
i think i may go paint some clowns, or drink some cordial because i'm feeling that this blog may be becoming unnecessarily long and overdramatic, farewell 'followers'.

where do i fit in?

it seems that i am becoming quite a fan of this 'blogging'. I admit, it is more desirable to me than myspace or facebook as it seems that at this point in time i really only have one reader, so i feel that i can relate to myself alot more.
i tried my new school-time routine; making the time with my group as minimal as possible, to reduce my anger towards those people. instead i stayed in the library with a selected few. jolly good.

i am also addicted to my new laptop- since i got it half a week ago i am constantly typing and typing..
it's actually giving me the motivation to take up writing again, that is if i can find anything interesting to write about.
which reminds me of how the other day i was approached with the question "lydia, what are your views of true love?"
it's times like this where i find myself very awkward and tripping over my words, unsure of whether to actually speak my mind, or to shrug it off unintelligibly like it seems i am expected to do.
well, whatever, i decided to answer halfheartedly, afraid of what i may actually say, yet again. and as far as i am concerned, i once found love, it ended, and i was upset. so that is enough of this concept for a while i think.

We are doing Sylvia Plath in english.
again,
i am very happy.
i can talk about suicide, and not be called a freak.

it is starting to get late, i have a mountain of unfinished year 12 work, i feel bloated from eating too much too late at night, listening to Cursive, laptop dying and etc. excuses to publish.

family.

familyfamily
y
l
i
m
a
f
they aren't fucking family. they are the reason that my father is the way he is, i know that they 'pity'me, this i am unfortunate cause i'm not their perfect fucking catholic suck-up superior thin bitch, like the rest of them.
i know who my family is, and as far as i am concerned i don't want that side to be apart of my life any longer. nothing but hurt and manipulation has come from them.
and yes, fuck it fuck it all- family, friends and fucking social lives. i can't handle this right now. fuck it alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

losing grip on reality

we all have unhealthy minds. this fact is becoming increasingly obvious to me.

maybe i'm not alone in this sea of backstabbing and stabbing back.
my mind is filled with a juxtapoz of clashing emotions, i'm not even sure where i'm heading anymore. fuck all you kids at school, you can have your 'girls night out' without me, or go to crappy hills parties by yourselves. after this year, i won't even need you to feed my ego anymore.
i'm not very happy being back at school, it's so much harder to control myself.
in the holidays i'd have a routine of waking up at 11, going to work at 12, eating at 3, finishing work at nine then repeating most days.
i felt lighter, probably even happy (or happier..?)
now, restraining myself is so hard, and all this junk is clogging up my headspace at the time i need to focus most.

i have to stop promising myself that i will change and actually fucking do something
so i have started.
no foodsies after 7, ever. is another rule.

'Times Like This' part two.

it's not that you're not talented, you can feel it within your loins. you long to be creative and are bursting with potential. you miss the inspiration, and the excitement once so normal to you.
but you're sad.
and lonely.
and just not that great with words.


but you find someone; a creep, just like you.
and suddenly the gaping hole under your shirt starts to shrink, and you think maybe, just maybe, you might have found that person who you can imagine being close to forever.
and you start feeling things again, a reborn motivation to succeed, and to paint and to write...
you're stuck in a parallax, halfway between your cognitive mind and the physical world, and you have to decide whether to run back into yourself, climb up your tongue and fall off the edge, or wear the war paint thick and embrace yourself.
the decision is scary, it's no wonder that you don't seem too interested.
but it's not your life that really matters, it is the people around you. it's that creep, and those genetics, and maybe even that ever-lasting crush.
so you think that you should make the decision to live.






and i think i've made my decision.
so inspire me.